An almost perfect mutt

One of my mutt’s favorite things to do is sneak a treat out of the cat box. Yup, my dog likes to eat cat shit, along with other gross things. Ace is far from the perfect dog, and I am far from the perfect owner. Here are 10 other things my mutt gets away with:

1. My mutt wipes his drool on me.
Not only is it gross that Ace is almost always drooling, but he has to walk over and wipe his face on my lap. I will be sitting down eating dinner, and he will walk over and cover my pants in drool. When he doesn’t purposely wipe his drool on me, he instead shakes his head and gets drool on the floor, the furniture, the walls, the cats, my clothes, my friends and family and their dogs.

2. My mutt eats sticks and then pukes.
When Ace and I play fetch with a stick or go for a walk with him off leash, he eats pieces of the sticks. Just tiny pieces at a time. If we’re playing fetch, the stick will slowly shrink and shrink until we need a new stick. Then Ace waits just long enough until we are inside again and he pukes up all the little wood pieces on my carpet.

3. My dog drinks every drop of water he can find.
Ace cannot leave a drop of water in his bowl. I don’t know why anyone would want to steal that water, because it’s 70 percent drool, but he thinks he needs to drink every last drop. I’m also not sure why I would want to steal it from him when I’m the one who gave it to him in the first place, but maybe it’s best to never trust a human. I am not sure. Drinking all water in sight is not limited to the sink, bathtub and toilet. Before I knew any better, Ace drank the whole toilet bowl. Twice.

4. My dog pukes up his water at least twice a week.
This is an understatement. Ace sometimes pukes every day. He drinks his water too fast and then out it comes.

5. My dog pukes up his food and then eats it.
This is probably a weekly occurrence. The food is eaten, then seconds later it’s back. Then it’s eaten again. At least that helps with the cleanup on my part. He also does not care what he pukes on. It could be on the carpet, a pile of clothes, a towel, a blanket, the car seat, but rarely on a hard floor or outside. I’ve thrown away a few shirts and blankets because of this.

6. My dog licks himself, um, inappropriately.
Always at the worst times, there is my dog, licking himself between his legs. And boy can he get into it. Then he’s ready to give lots of kisses!

7. My dog eats the armpits out of shirts.
Yum!

8. My dog steals food.
Ace looks innocent. But he’s pretty sneaky when it comes to stealing food. One time he ate a muffin (wrapper and all) out of a bag of bakery treats left unguarded. If it hadn’t been for the drool evidence inside the bag, Ace might’ve gotten away with it.

9. My dog sleeps on the furniture when I’m not home.
If I forget to block off certain areas before I leave my apartment, the couch or bed is always warm for me when I come home. The drool and hair are added bonuses.

10. My dog farts.
These things are silent but deadly. Enough said.

So, what does your dog do? Is yours grosser than mine?